Public Urinals

That's German

That’s German

Urinals in public restrooms are an endless source of entertainment with stories shared amongst friends and family alike. Here are some of my favorites.

The Trough
I first encountered the Trough in Munich, Germany during Oktoberfest. Just like it sounds, you go tinkle into a giant metal basin that stretches the length of the wall. In this case, it was a big f’ing wall as you can imagine the amount of beer being released.

Aside from the fact that there are NO privacy walls which ensures lots of awkward elbow touching and straight-ahead-staring, you’ve got the flow of piss. As my cousin pointed out, unless you’re at the top of the trough (it slopes downward to avoid stagnation) you end up watching everyone else’s urine flow beneath YOUR pecker as you drain the dragon. Glorious.

The Voyeur
This would be that guy. The one who stands 16 feet away from the urinal. Is he practicing his aiming skills? No. He’s showing off his 3 foot schlong. He may be so bold as to glance at you sideways, with a smirk on his face. You can read his thoughts – “Go ahead pal, have a look. YEAH, you wish.” Forgetting the fact that he’s pissing all over the floor and wall, you can’t help but be amazed at the bratwurst hanging from his pelvis. This guy is rare but once you see him, you can’t stop shaking your head in amazement.

The Nervous Nellie
Also known as Mr. Stage Fright, he would be the antithesis of the big swinging dick (literally) above. This guy is practically buried in the urinal. Shirt and pants pressed against the edge of the ceramic, which is of course speckled with piss and pubic hair – I just vomited in my mouth. What’s the deal with this guy? Is his wang so small as to elicit laughter from all passer-bys? He must have good reason to touch the urinal with his ENTIRE body. Because if that happened to me, I’d strip to my underwears on the spot and drive home with NOTHING on. Gross.

The Bareback Bonedancer
Usually this guy is in the senior citizen category as I’ve never seen it displayed by anyone under the age of 134. This approach is so startling and hilarious, it becomes difficult to not piss your pants with laughter before reaching the urinal. The only way to describe it is –  belt COMPLETELY undone and trousers around the ankles. I’ve seen it both ways on the undies – keeping the ankles warm or just hanging on the knobbled knee. Either way, this visual is LUDICROUS.

The VIP
Ahh, Mr. Important. He stands in the urinal either holding his phone or talking in the Bluetooth. It’s probably to show off that he’s the ONLY person with this hi-tech gadgetry – “Look at me, I’ve got a CELL PHONE!” He likely is discussing his favorite topping for veggie burgers or some other manly pastime. Whatever the case, this guy is a grade A CLOWN. Next time you see him, ask how he became so privileged as to hold a conversation with a tiny plastic gizmo hanging from his ear.

That’s all I can think of. Know of any other urinal stories? Be sure to let us know all about them!

photo credit: king of monks via photopin cc

Advertisements

Delirium Tremens

Delirium Tremens

The Pink Beer of Elephants

Last night, I enjoyed some grog with Young David.  Known by many names, perhaps he is best known as Druss – all natural, never from concentrate.  We went to Delicious Heights, a fine establishment here in Berkeley Heights.

After pulling up to the bar, my eyes were immediately drawn to the tap sporting a dancing pink elephant and the text Delirium Tremens.  Being unfamiliar with Pig Latin, I promptly ordered a vessel to learn more.

Turned out to be more of a swill than the golden elixir I hoped for but the decorations were enough to make me wonder about this beer.  Here’s what I found.

According to Wikipedia:

Delirium Tremens is an acute episode of delirium that is usually caused by withdrawal from alcohol…

OK!  That sounds like my kind of beer!

Latin for “shaking frenzy”, also referred to as The DTs, “the horrors”, or “the shakes.”

Hmmm, maybe NOT what I need to be drinking.

By zooming way out on Google Maps, I learned this codswallop comes from the Huyghe Brewery in Belgium.  Even translated to English, the website did me no good on discovering the origin of this strange brew.

Upon further research, I found a review on the Beer Advocate site.  I was unaware there were people out there capable of writing in such ludicrous terms about their thoughts on a particular beer.  My thoughts are usually “It’s good” or “I liked it”.  So, I channeled my inner Shakespeare to describe Delirium Tremens as a connoisseur of this malty man love might.

*These online reviewers use lots of numbers and letters to describe their feelings.  I went with a quick thought followed by a more in depth look at the category.

Score: 1/5 

Look: RAD – it’s got a pink elephant on the tap
Neato snifter had the same pink proboscidea.  Small head that smears the side of the chalice, just the way I like it

Smell: Weird but exciting
Peculiar and hard to place until tasted (see Taste below)

Taste: Like old candy bubble gum and cigarettes.
Pure weirdness with a hint of carnival-ride-operator hands

Feel: Its beer, it always FEELS good
I’m guessing the M used on the Beer Advocate site, in this category, stands for Manliness or Mouthfeel. Can’t be sure, but both are funny words.  For Manliness, the Delirium is Sub-Poor but for Mouthfeel it seems to feel like Beer.

Overall: Pink elephants that taste like bubble gum and cigarettes are not my kind of hallucinogenic cartoons
But in reality, I’m mixed.  The tap at the bar made me immediately want this barley juice over all others.  Then the fancy goblet it arrived in was decorated with the same pink Disney acid-trip mammals.  So there’s that.  And the text I sent to Tyler about these dancing proboscis’ haunting his dreams made me laugh HEARTILY. 

On the other hand, it tasted like candy bubble gum (my take) and/or cigarettes (Young David’s take).  Bottom line – I didn’t finish it which is NEVER a good thing.

Did You Know Beer Tip of the Day

The word GROG is a derogatory term for beer coined in the 1860’s.  According to BellaOnline :

This term was in honor (or dishonor) of Admiral Edward Vernon who wore a grogram cloak, thereby acquiring the nickname “Old Grog.”  He went down in history for diluting rum in lime-juice and water, and dispensing it to his sailors.  As a side benefit, the Vitamin C in the lime-juice helped to prevent scurvy.  Throughout the world, his sailors came to be known as “Limeys.”

Shampoo Beer

image

Is it beer or shampoo? It’s Redken shampoo made with malt, brewers yeast and orange zest. Sounds like a Magic Hat Seasonal.

Sarah thought I would find it funny and she was right. She also told me I’m not supposed to drink it.