The Gym

I recently joined a new gym, specifically a Lifetime Fitness club.  It’s a lovely place with lots of neato features but the best feature is the people watching.  The last gym I belonged to had a relatively small member population, limiting the kind of human observation one finds at places like Seaside Heights, NJ.

Tonight was a banner evening.  I walked into the locker room and immediately regretted not bringing a camera.  There was a dude standing in front of the mirror, tighty whiteys only, flexing, grunting and drinking a GNC protein shake.  EPIC.  When I walked past him, he winked and made smooching kissy noises at me, WHOA.

Then there are the nude guys.  Now, I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin and am totally fine with getting changed in front of strangers.  But is it REALLY necessary to strut about the locker room buck naked like you’re King Dingaling?  And not to be weird, but its always the extra large, hairy ones engaging in this sort of lewd behavior.

Would you like a sandwich and liter cola while you march around like a 200 pound flamingo?

No? Ok, then put your pants on, CLOWN.

Nova Scotia Surf Trip

My brother, Tyler, turned 30 this year. To celebrate, we were planning a surf trip to Nova Scotia from New Jersey. As such, I sent an email to the clowns that would be interested in such an adventure. Here is his self portrait for reference:


After reading what I had just written, I couldn’t stop laughing. Turns out my home skillet, Dan, got a charge out of it too. Because of his idea to set these creative juices out on the world wide web table of review (he’s a social media Jedi), here’s my first post ever (just posting it later than the those posts below). Let me know what you think.

Email Subject: Tyler is Turning 30 = Old Balls

Fellow Man Clowns,

As you may or not know, Tyler AKA Uncle Tyler AKA Ty Ty AKA Big Yellow AKA Captain Redbeard AKA Big Yellow First Night Diner is turning the ripe ol’ age of 30 next May. Old balls no doubt.

As such, I’m planning a trip to take the wee pickle dick on a surf trip to Nova Scotia. It’s been on his Viking Heritage To Do list for some time. The general plan is to head norf during Labor Day 2013. The goal is to take advantage of the holiday weekend for all and add on a couple days on both sides of the weekend. So, loosely (like my bowels) we would leave Wed AM and come back Tues AM. Figuring a day of travel each way, that would give us 5 full days of debauchery. And let’s be honest, nobody is doing shit at work before and after Labor Day.

So, save the date as we finalize the details and more importantly, let me know if you’re for sure in or out at this point. Here’s the scope of work:

  • Rent a house/condo/chicken coops at/on the beach
  • Rent a 15 passenger van
  • Mount surfboards on roof
  • Drive and be merry

Activity Schedule

  • Surf
  • Drink beer
  • Eat food that’s bad for you
  • Moon innocent bystanders on the road
  • Run around nude
  • General lewd drunken behavior
  • Attend house music raves
  • Terrorize local villages
  • Do cool stuff in Canada, at the beach in the early Fall

If I missed anyone on the email that should be here, please don’t forward it to them. Also, Phinney is on the invite list but doesn’t know how to use a computer so I’ll be sending him a letter via carrier pigeon. If he comes, we’ll put him in the outhouse so no one gets fondled in their sleep.

You’ve got a whole year to put this on your calendar and you should come cuz it’s gonna be completely absurd. But while you’re sitting there debating about attending, remember the immortal words of Captain O’Hagan from the Vermont State Super Troopers – “Indecision is a stinky cologne” (actually, it’s Desperation but who cares).

If you have any questions, feel free not to ask me. I will be in touch in a few months to got a solid head count so we can make necessary preparations.

Banana Fingers, Esq.