Where’s Das Boot?

I like cars and I like to drive.  As such, I spend a lot of time watching what others are doing on the road.  Now, let me preface this article with the fact that I’m not only a perfect driver; I’m also a Certified Ford Motor Company TIER TWO Driver. Google it and be impressed, I’ve got the paperwork.  With that in mind, I will now poke fun at all the imperfect drivers out there.  Since there are so many varieties of bad driving, I’ll break this into a multipart series.  Today, we’ll talk about The Judo Chop Driver.

This may be a phenomenon exclusive to New Jersey so if you experience this in your home state, do tell.  Now, we all know that New York drivers are the worst of the worst and there are quite a few sprinkled through our splendid state of NJ.  So in deference to my fellow Jerseyan, it’s likely The Judo Chop Driver is actually from NY on any given day.

What do I mean by Judo Chop?  Envision the moves used by Austin Powers, not real martial artists like Bruce Lee.  Picture overly absurd chopping motions punctuated by theatrical outbursts of “JUDO CHOP!”  Left, right, left, right… Now, instead of your hands doing the chops, imagine a car cutting left, then right, in and out of the lanes a highway.  Then add in bumper to bumper traffic with tiny openings from one car to the next.  Finally, picture a tinted out shitbox gunning it’s motor while almost simultaneously smashing the brakes as it chops from one lane to the next.  This is The Judo Chop Driver.

This maneuver is also seen in the opening scene of the cult classic, Office Space, albeit at a much slower pace.  Like the movie, in real life, rush hour traffic is made up of a sea of brake lights with nowhere to go.  So, what does the Judo Chopper think he’s gaining with his gusto for driving?  That is not yet clear.  More likely he’s staring at the top of his steering wheel while flinging curses and middle fingers at innocent fellow motorists.  How else can we explain his complete lack of vision down the road?  Based on my extensive scientific research, it turns out this person is an ASSCLOWN.

So the next time you get to spend time in traffic with this meatsack, think about how happy his mechanic must be, replacing brakes on Senor Judo’s bad ass, 93 horsepower brute.  And if you get the chance, be sure to sandbag him as much as possible.  Nothing better than watching Judo come hurtling up the lane next to you; only to double foot his brake pedal when the 7 feet of empty space in front of you becomes 7 inches.