Jersey Shore Summer



As the summer winds to a close, let’s look back on the Jersey Shore, truly the pinnacle of summertime fun.

But more importantly, the smell of hair gel and the Buff, Bronze and Bitchin’ club. Known by reality TV groupies as the ‘guido’.

Since I’m perfect I shall examine and poke fun at this species. But with objective eyeball only.

First off, is the term ‘guido’ derogatory? Well, my brother calls me stupid on a daily basis so its all relative.

Next, how does one identify this type of human? There is not enough free blog space to list the ways but I will do my best.

Look for pointy hair glistening like morning dew, due to excessive application of gel.

White, brand X sneakers with tongue standing up that appear to have been polished with Crisco are another common DNA marker.

As well, keep eyes peeled for arms appearing inflated with air, accompanied by severe acne and toothpick legs protruding from jean shorts. A sure sign of NATURAL muscle growth.

Finally, look for males walking about like peacocks typically puffing their chests and maintaining constant flexion in the upper back.

And of course the orange fake tan. No real guido goes outside without it.

Now, some would argue these meatballs come from NY or Philly to invade our lovely Jersey Shore beaches. But the scary reality is that many are native New Jerseyans!

There you have it, a Wikipedia worthy definition of the guido. I hope you enjoyed the awkward language here. I recently watched a Spartacus marathon and they love talking with awkward and minimal verbiage.

photo credit: Dalboz17 via photopin cc

4 thoughts on “Jersey Shore Summer

  1. Great visuals created from your flowing prose!

  2. “Since I’m perfect I shall examine and poke fun at this species. But with objective eyeball only.”

    MWAHAHA! Love it! laughed out loud seriously. Sounds like something my Dad or I would say right before we launch into a tirade of Jersey Shore bashing. LOL!!!

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