Passive Aggressive : Defined
My brother, Tyler, is in the process of moving out of his present rental situation. He shared a story regarding the who, what and why of his departure. Having so thoroughly enjoyed it, I felt obligated to re-share it here. Today, Tyler will be narrating so that you can really appreciate the absurdity of his situation. Names are altered to protect the innocent.
Let me also add, Tyler has a unique ability to argue with people in such a way, that if they have the mental capacity to understand it, leaves them feeling like utter nitwits.
The Cast
- Tyler – Sarcastic Tenant
- Clyde – Passive Aggressive Landlord
- Suzie – Girl Roommate A
- Betty – Girl Roommate B
{as told by Tyler}
Last night, Suzie, Betty and I had a meeting with Clyde to discuss our current living arrangement. “Clyde,” I said nicely “we simply cannot live with you anymore, consider this our 30 days’ notice to vacate.”
Clyde (with furrowed eyebrows and feigned misunderstanding)
“I asked Suzie to hand in her 30 days’ notice last month and she never did. So I just think that this is kind of funny. Why do you want to leave?”
Tyler
“For starters, let’s dispense with the passive aggressive behavior. We can still all be friends, so let’s keep it civil.”
Clyde (displaying his immense lack of brain bandwidth)
“What does passive aggressive mean?”
Tyler
“It’s what you’re doing right now.”
Clyde
“Ooook, umm, anyway, I asked Suzie to leave because she always eats my food. And she didn’t leave.”
Tyler
“Last time I checked Clyde, America is a democracy.”
Clyde
“Well I’m the landlord and – ”
Tyler (cutting him off)
“You’re the LANDLORD? This is a RENTAL. Your name is on the lease and we all pay RENT. Do you OWN this place?” (the word ‘asshole’ was not said at the end of the sentence but was likely thought upon)
Clyde
“Well no, but I paid the security deposit – “
Tyler
“Clyde – we all paid a security deposit. You’re subletting the rooms to us. We’re all renters here.”
Clyde
“I just don’t understand. I’ve been living on my own since I was 20 (going on 7) and this has never happened. Whenever I’ve had a problem with a roommate, I just tell them to leave, and they do. But Suzie wouldn’t leave.”
Tyler
“Well, this is not a dictatorship Clyde. Suzie didn’t feel it was fair to be excused by you. Your claims of her eating your food and throwing your laundry in the garbage are ludicrous. So, all 3 of us will be out of here not later than February 1.”
Clyde
“Hmmm, well..alright. So Tyler – I owe you $400 for the security deposit –“
Tyler
“NO, you owe me FIVE HUNDRED.”
Clyde
“Right. Well, it would really be better for everyone if you didn’t move until March 1, you know, to ease your transition and all. And those security deposits you paid me, umm, well, the thing is…”
Tyler
“Did you spend the security deposits Clyde?”
Clyde
“Yes.”
Tyler
“Well I suggest you find a way to un-spend that money by February 1 Clyde. Or you’ll find your truck has been sold to the hobo down the street.”
Clyde
“Ok, ok. Well I hope there’s nothing amiss in your room Tyler. You know, any extra cleaning I might need to do…”
Tyler
“Clyde, when I moved in, it looked like a drunken bear had tried to mate with the walls and floor before urinating all over the place. I scrubbed that shit hole from top to bottom. So any stains, or other things AMISS, you can chalk up to the last slob living in there. You will not be taking anything out of my security deposit.”
Clyde
“…..(silence)….”
Tyler
“Good. Suzie, Betty – all set? Great. Thanks Clyde, for being so understanding.”
Is there anything better than a conversation with an overtly passive aggressive individual? Nope.
The Bologna Foot 