How To: Control Thy Road Rage

Road RageAfter 13ish years behind the wheel, I’m very proud of myself and how far I’ve come in dealing with road rage.  Maybe in places like Montana and Mongolia, road rage doesn’t exist but in places like New Jersey it’s real.  I come from a long line of Road Ragers so after achieving my license, I was unknowingly embarking down a road of, well, rage.

Rather than throw my entire raging lineage under the bus I’ll share just one story.  It’s about my sister, Caroline, and it’s really more funny than OMG and it will explain my genetic pre-disposition to freaking out on the road.

Several years ago, Caroline called the Father Unit to chit-chat.  He was unavailable so Caroline left him a voicemail.  It went something like this:

“Hey Dad, it’s Caroline.  Just calling to say hi and see what you’re up to.  I’m going to WHAT THE F*CK!!  YOU STUPID AS*HOLE!! ARE YOU F*CKING BLIND!! I AM GOING TO F*CKING MURDER YOU!! GOD DAMN SH*T!! SONOFABIT*H!!!!!”

The transition from normal, happy Caroline to insane, blood thirsty Caroline was as startling as it was hilarious.  Of course I am exactly the same in this regard but as I mentioned, have come a long way (and so has Caroline).

I decided that having apoplectic explosions every time someone drives like an idiot is not good for my health and well being.  Given the number of idiots behind the wheel, the frequency of my rage was quite high.

So, instead of flying into a vein-popping episode of madness, I’ve resorted to a much more enjoyable response.  When I am treated to some jack ass driving like a moron, I:

  1. Take a deep breath and smile
  2. Let the jack ass finish their maneuver without a whisper of a beep
  3. Pull up beside the offender and gently honk to gain their attention
  4. Throw 2 big thumbs up, flash a wide-mouth court jester grin and yell something to the effect of “Say chap, you’re really GOOD at driving!”

80% of the time, the feeling of being mocked is instantly identified and they fly into a wild rage, incensed that I have just critiqued their driving skills.  The other 20% of the time, I’m met with a blank look which confirms my suspicion of Tiny Brain Syndrome.

To reiterate, I’m really high on myself for this much improved road rage response.   Why freak out when you can smile and enjoy your day? I never understood the phrase “Don’t suffer fools gladly” until I read Plato’s 4th Doctrine.  His interpretation is that when someone is being an asshole, don’t let it get you down.  Instead, gently inform them of their status as an asshole.  Plato was ahead of his time.

Author Disclaimer: I am a perfect driver and never do anything stupid behind the wheel.

photo credit: PDXdj via photopin cc

Watching the News

Indeed

Indeed

I just had the immense displeasure of watching the ABC Evening News, about 5 minutes worth.  Here’s what they covered:

  • Horrific school shooting in Nevada
  • Chinese city blanketed in ultra-toxic, cancer causing “super smog”
  • Out of control “mega” wild fires in Australia
  • A pair of ruthless killers escaping prison in Florida
  • Category 3 Hurricane in Mexico ravaging our Southern brethren
  • Incredible ineffectiveness and general stupidity of Obamacare website
  • Clowns murdering siblings – ok, that one was not on the news but it was in the paper yesterday

The only piece of good news was his Jabba-ness, Governor Christie, deciding it was ok for same-sex partners to get married in New Jersey.

Is it any wonder people are convinced we’re going to be eaten by zombies and governed by gold dubloons any moment now? If anyone is interested in starting up a news station that broadcasts only POSITIVE information, sign me up, I’m in.  And I wonder why I don’t watch the news anymore.

photo credit: {Guerrilla Futures | Jason Tester} via photopin cc

Public Urinals

That's German

That’s German

Urinals in public restrooms are an endless source of entertainment with stories shared amongst friends and family alike. Here are some of my favorites.

The Trough
I first encountered the Trough in Munich, Germany during Oktoberfest. Just like it sounds, you go tinkle into a giant metal basin that stretches the length of the wall. In this case, it was a big f’ing wall as you can imagine the amount of beer being released.

Aside from the fact that there are NO privacy walls which ensures lots of awkward elbow touching and straight-ahead-staring, you’ve got the flow of piss. As my cousin pointed out, unless you’re at the top of the trough (it slopes downward to avoid stagnation) you end up watching everyone else’s urine flow beneath YOUR pecker as you drain the dragon. Glorious.

The Voyeur
This would be that guy. The one who stands 16 feet away from the urinal. Is he practicing his aiming skills? No. He’s showing off his 3 foot schlong. He may be so bold as to glance at you sideways, with a smirk on his face. You can read his thoughts – “Go ahead pal, have a look. YEAH, you wish.” Forgetting the fact that he’s pissing all over the floor and wall, you can’t help but be amazed at the bratwurst hanging from his pelvis. This guy is rare but once you see him, you can’t stop shaking your head in amazement.

The Nervous Nellie
Also known as Mr. Stage Fright, he would be the antithesis of the big swinging dick (literally) above. This guy is practically buried in the urinal. Shirt and pants pressed against the edge of the ceramic, which is of course speckled with piss and pubic hair – I just vomited in my mouth. What’s the deal with this guy? Is his wang so small as to elicit laughter from all passer-bys? He must have good reason to touch the urinal with his ENTIRE body. Because if that happened to me, I’d strip to my underwears on the spot and drive home with NOTHING on. Gross.

The Bareback Bonedancer
Usually this guy is in the senior citizen category as I’ve never seen it displayed by anyone under the age of 134. This approach is so startling and hilarious, it becomes difficult to not piss your pants with laughter before reaching the urinal. The only way to describe it is –  belt COMPLETELY undone and trousers around the ankles. I’ve seen it both ways on the undies – keeping the ankles warm or just hanging on the knobbled knee. Either way, this visual is LUDICROUS.

The VIP
Ahh, Mr. Important. He stands in the urinal either holding his phone or talking in the Bluetooth. It’s probably to show off that he’s the ONLY person with this hi-tech gadgetry – “Look at me, I’ve got a CELL PHONE!” He likely is discussing his favorite topping for veggie burgers or some other manly pastime. Whatever the case, this guy is a grade A CLOWN. Next time you see him, ask how he became so privileged as to hold a conversation with a tiny plastic gizmo hanging from his ear.

That’s all I can think of. Know of any other urinal stories? Be sure to let us know all about them!

photo credit: king of monks via photopin cc

Texting with Tyler: Part 1

My brother, Tyler, and I often have long winded, unintelligible texting conversations.  Every so often, my wife, Sarah, gets a hold of my phone and starts reading our conversations out loud to me.  During this Stender story time that I cherish so much, Sarah is glaring at me, rolling her eyes and shaking her head – all at the same time.  I’m usually laughing uncontrollably as she accentuates the especially odd or off color conversations.  Sometimes they make no sense, sometimes they’re very strange, but always I find them amusing, so here are a few for sharing.

July 19, 2013
Tyler arriving at the airport with weird descriptions and automatic self contradiction. No reply necessary.
July19

 

 

 

 

July 20, 2013
Tyler responding to a picture I sent him of a huge, obscene plate of sugary delight.
July20

 

July 29, 2013
Tyler, politely checking in on the status of a UPS shipment headed his way.
July29

 

August 3, 2013
On returning phone calls…
Aug3

 

After calling and getting no response…
Aug32

Taco Hell

Cousin Todd recently shared thoughts with me about his first foray into Taco Bell in a decade, via text.  Here is the conversation.
Cuz
About to eat a cheesy gordita crunch and Dorito taco from Taco Bell. Haven’t eaten here in 10yrs. Stand by for post update…
BolognaFoot
Oh man, playing with fire.  Send pics!
Cuz
Over powering stench of rancid milk when I opened the Dorito taco wrapper. Ate it anyway. That by itself verifies that I need therapy.
BolognaFoot
WOW, I’m putting this on the blog.

Though I didn’t receive any pics, one can imagine the results.

Delirium Tremens

Delirium Tremens

The Pink Beer of Elephants

Last night, I enjoyed some grog with Young David.  Known by many names, perhaps he is best known as Druss – all natural, never from concentrate.  We went to Delicious Heights, a fine establishment here in Berkeley Heights.

After pulling up to the bar, my eyes were immediately drawn to the tap sporting a dancing pink elephant and the text Delirium Tremens.  Being unfamiliar with Pig Latin, I promptly ordered a vessel to learn more.

Turned out to be more of a swill than the golden elixir I hoped for but the decorations were enough to make me wonder about this beer.  Here’s what I found.

According to Wikipedia:

Delirium Tremens is an acute episode of delirium that is usually caused by withdrawal from alcohol…

OK!  That sounds like my kind of beer!

Latin for “shaking frenzy”, also referred to as The DTs, “the horrors”, or “the shakes.”

Hmmm, maybe NOT what I need to be drinking.

By zooming way out on Google Maps, I learned this codswallop comes from the Huyghe Brewery in Belgium.  Even translated to English, the website did me no good on discovering the origin of this strange brew.

Upon further research, I found a review on the Beer Advocate site.  I was unaware there were people out there capable of writing in such ludicrous terms about their thoughts on a particular beer.  My thoughts are usually “It’s good” or “I liked it”.  So, I channeled my inner Shakespeare to describe Delirium Tremens as a connoisseur of this malty man love might.

*These online reviewers use lots of numbers and letters to describe their feelings.  I went with a quick thought followed by a more in depth look at the category.

Score: 1/5 

Look: RAD – it’s got a pink elephant on the tap
Neato snifter had the same pink proboscidea.  Small head that smears the side of the chalice, just the way I like it

Smell: Weird but exciting
Peculiar and hard to place until tasted (see Taste below)

Taste: Like old candy bubble gum and cigarettes.
Pure weirdness with a hint of carnival-ride-operator hands

Feel: Its beer, it always FEELS good
I’m guessing the M used on the Beer Advocate site, in this category, stands for Manliness or Mouthfeel. Can’t be sure, but both are funny words.  For Manliness, the Delirium is Sub-Poor but for Mouthfeel it seems to feel like Beer.

Overall: Pink elephants that taste like bubble gum and cigarettes are not my kind of hallucinogenic cartoons
But in reality, I’m mixed.  The tap at the bar made me immediately want this barley juice over all others.  Then the fancy goblet it arrived in was decorated with the same pink Disney acid-trip mammals.  So there’s that.  And the text I sent to Tyler about these dancing proboscis’ haunting his dreams made me laugh HEARTILY. 

On the other hand, it tasted like candy bubble gum (my take) and/or cigarettes (Young David’s take).  Bottom line – I didn’t finish it which is NEVER a good thing.

Did You Know Beer Tip of the Day

The word GROG is a derogatory term for beer coined in the 1860’s.  According to BellaOnline :

This term was in honor (or dishonor) of Admiral Edward Vernon who wore a grogram cloak, thereby acquiring the nickname “Old Grog.”  He went down in history for diluting rum in lime-juice and water, and dispensing it to his sailors.  As a side benefit, the Vitamin C in the lime-juice helped to prevent scurvy.  Throughout the world, his sailors came to be known as “Limeys.”

Jersey Shore Summer

Meatballs

Meatballs

As the summer winds to a close, let’s look back on the Jersey Shore, truly the pinnacle of summertime fun.

But more importantly, the smell of hair gel and the Buff, Bronze and Bitchin’ club. Known by reality TV groupies as the ‘guido’.

Since I’m perfect I shall examine and poke fun at this species. But with objective eyeball only.

First off, is the term ‘guido’ derogatory? Well, my brother calls me stupid on a daily basis so its all relative.

Next, how does one identify this type of human? There is not enough free blog space to list the ways but I will do my best.

Look for pointy hair glistening like morning dew, due to excessive application of gel.

White, brand X sneakers with tongue standing up that appear to have been polished with Crisco are another common DNA marker.

As well, keep eyes peeled for arms appearing inflated with air, accompanied by severe acne and toothpick legs protruding from jean shorts. A sure sign of NATURAL muscle growth.

Finally, look for males walking about like peacocks typically puffing their chests and maintaining constant flexion in the upper back.

And of course the orange fake tan. No real guido goes outside without it.

Now, some would argue these meatballs come from NY or Philly to invade our lovely Jersey Shore beaches. But the scary reality is that many are native New Jerseyans!

There you have it, a Wikipedia worthy definition of the guido. I hope you enjoyed the awkward language here. I recently watched a Spartacus marathon and they love talking with awkward and minimal verbiage.

photo credit: Dalboz17 via photopin cc

Shampoo Beer

image

Is it beer or shampoo? It’s Redken shampoo made with malt, brewers yeast and orange zest. Sounds like a Magic Hat Seasonal.

Sarah thought I would find it funny and she was right. She also told me I’m not supposed to drink it.

Chicken Poop and Fish

I don’t know how I missed this article by Spence Cooper on Tyler’s birthday 2 years ago but it is, um, interesting.  You can read the full article here (not while you’re eating) which I strongly encourage if you ever eat farm raised fish.  Some particularly lovely notes:

Food producers in China regularly use untreated human and animal waste for feeding farmed fish…

….chicken coops with as many as 20,000 birds are often suspended in rows above ponds used for farming fish and shrimp.  The sea life feeds on the chicken waste that falls in the water.

And most importantly:

…more than 80% of the fish and seafood consumed in the U.S. is imported – much of it from Asia

Read those labels everyone!

Changing the Twins’ Diapers

Changing Hendrick’s diaper is like being in a pool, wrestling with the water itself.  Just when you think the water couldn’t possibly twist out of your hands any more, it does a reverse 180 and shows you it’s bottom.

Changing Maren’s diaper is like trying to keep a straight face while talking to the Pope; with a TV in the background playing the scene from Bruce Almighty where Jim Carrey has Steve Carrell talking in gibberish.  You’re desperately trying to focus on affixing the adhesive diaper tabs while the small baboon on the table is making fart noises and squealing like a feral piglet.