Changing Hendrick’s diaper is like being in a pool, wrestling with the water itself.  Just when you think the water couldn’t possibly twist out of your hands any more, it does a reverse 180 and shows you it’s bottom.

Changing Maren’s diaper is like trying to keep a straight face while talking to the Pope; with a TV in the background playing the scene from Bruce Almighty where Jim Carrey has Steve Carrell talking in gibberish.  You’re desperately trying to focus on affixing the adhesive diaper tabs while the small baboon on the table is making fart noises and squealing like a feral piglet.

I had a great conversation (as usual) with my sister, Caroline, the other day about making decisions and the waffling that goes along with them.  She made the excellent point that other folks probably deal with this so let’s find out.

Before we get started, I need to share these 2 hilarious definitions of waffle because as I began to write this article, I started to find the word funnier and funnier:

Origin
1890-95; (Scots, N England): to wave about, flutter, waver, be hesitant; probably waff + le

Origin
1695-1705; (N England): apparently waff to bark, yelp (imitative) + le

Which definition is better?  Really hard to say.  I sort of don’t know what the 2^nd one even means.  But it has the word ‘yelp’ in it so I think it may be the victor.

Context
Your friend invites you to a Tupperware party, all male hot tub event or a clothing optional Pagan bonfire celebration.  Unless it’s the Pagan bonfire, you flat out don’t want to go. Buuuut, not wanting to offend said friend, you waffle and digress and say things like:

• “Hmmm, I’m not sure I can make it but we’ll see…” (and of course you include those dot dot dots for added waffling effect)
• “I WANT to go but I THINK I MIGHT have something to do but I’m not REALLY sure?”

Insert any combination of question marks, added periods at the end of vague statements and extra ambiguous words.  This will qualify as waving about and fluttering or possibly being described as a waff per the definition above.  Do you want to be in this category?  No, you don’t.

Our sibling conversation began by acknowledging that we both have DEFINITELY been the waff in the past and agreed that it’s really LAME.  We then went on to describe the opposite of this approach – making a DECSION!  Here’s an example of the tremendous benefit of this action to an age old and INCREDIBLY absurd area of waffling.

Example
Its lunch time at work and everyone needs to decide what they want to eat.  Now, we’ll skip the IMMENSELY difficult decision of choosing ham or turkey off the menu and back up a step to the ‘Which Menu’ conversation.

• Coworker 1: Fellow clowns, where do you want to get lunch from today?
• Coworker 2: I don’t know, how about that new pizza place?  But I don’t really care.
• Coworker 3: I don’t care but I guess I could eat chicken.
• Coworker 4: Hmmm, does anyone like meatball parms?  I sort of do but we don’t have to get them.

Notice the abundance of hesitance?  The ability to question if you’re even capable of making a decision? Can you relate?  Yes, you can.  Have you been coworker 1, 2, 3, or 4?  Yes, we all have.  So, the next time this mind bender of a situation presents itself, try this approach.

• Coworker 1: Fellow clowns, where do you want to get lunch from today?
• You: We’re going to The Golden Banana.  I’m having the chocolate dipped bananas supreme. Here’s the menu.  What do you want?

It works and it is unspeakably satisfying.

What other scenarios could you apply this to? The possibilities are endless.  So, let’s hear them.  Have you been the waffle?  Have you put your foot down to end the horror of lunch decisions?  I could go on for days with these types of funny situations but my fingers hurt and I hear a tiny, hairless baboon cackling and possibly getting her foot stuck in a crib railing so I’ll stop here.

photo credit: mariocutroneo via photopin cc

Just when I thought I was getting some kind of handle on having 3 tiny Stenders running rampant all day, every day, the universe reminded me that I in fact DO NOT.

I have 2 sets of car keys to my Volvo. One I never use and the other that is religiously hung up in the exact same spot, every single time I get home – until this week. Two days ago, I misplaced my main set of keys. Where they are, I have no idea, but they appear to have utterly disappeared. “That’s ok” I’m telling myself, I’ve got the spare set so it’s all good.

Then this morning as I prepared to load the jabbering baboons into Sarah’s car, I reached for my keys only to find N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Rather than get explosively angry, I figured I would check Sarah’s car. I had taken it on a beer run the night before and often have my Volvo keys on me when I use her car for an errand.

It wasn’t in there so I glanced at the Volvo and noticed it was unlocked. Checked the door pocket – empty. Checked the center console – empty. As I got ready to get out and in fact get explosively angry, I noticed the key was sitting in the ignition. And not just in but switched on. To no one’s surprise, the car was completely toast. Not even a glimmer on the dash.

Wow, that was a first for me. Thankfully, my neighbor Ken was kind enough to provide the juice to get me up and running and not laugh (too hard). Conclusion – I have no handle on life with a gaggle of children and need to accept that I may be losing my car keys more often that I once thought possible.

photo credit: Aoife city womanchile via photopin cc